Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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