did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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