I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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