Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
