You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
