life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Green mimosas i think yes
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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