I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
