your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
