I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
