So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
