i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
