I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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