my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
