I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
