If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
