Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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