yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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