I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
