It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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