I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
