Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize