Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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