you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
