NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i believe in u and ur pee
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
