When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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