thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
