You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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