My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize