Pappa wants mamma naked
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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