either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize