KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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