Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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