I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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