did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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