I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
