The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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