People in love make me want to vomit
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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