just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
