I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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