Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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