Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
