..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
