By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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