Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You were trust falling into bushes
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
