new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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