Where are you?
In a non slutty way
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
