To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Be still, my beating vagina.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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