Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
whose parrot is this?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
