Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
