remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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