She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize