Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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