1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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