im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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