why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize