maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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