You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
