There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
