Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
