I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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