Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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