So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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